While in college, I fell in love with my friend and we dated for 2 1/2+ years towards the end of college. He loved me but didnt make that clear until I ended things. He admitted to too many things to count that he didnt bother to talk about when we were dating.
He wouldn’t and didnt treat me right. I was mentally exhausted from always repeating the same things and doing anything I could to get him to pay attention to doing right by me. Yet I really cared about him and always have. Even after being broken up for 3+ years I would still randomly choose to talk to him when he reached out. I could never sleep on his side of the bed. I couldnt bring myself to try to date anyone.
Months ago when I decided to talk to him after he reached out and told him about my child we were talking about something related to him and he made a comment along the lines of “Oh yeah, I’m sure that is good for him” sarcastically about my parenting. And honestly, I ripped him a new one. Just because he became a nurse doesnt mean he understood the trauma and behaviors and all of the other things that go into raising a teenager that has been in foster care for years. He immediately passed judgement instead of asking me anything.
Towards the end of April he tried reaching out again but it didnt include an apology so I ignored him.
What I didnt know was that a few weeks later he would die unexpectedly. At first, I could only think about suicide. As he blamed me for his mental health and at one point, made suicidal comments and later got mad at me for reaching out to people that I knew would check on him and make him get help. He said “I just wanted your attention”. This incident happened after I let him visit me for another chance where I was living and he blew it up by getting drunk and then on another day texting a lovely individual (I will later mention) while in my kitchen as I was cooking for us. When I asked he immediately deleted the messages and tried to lie to my face about it.
He finally saw a psychiatrist after the suicidal statements I believe and told me all about how his psychiatrist was saying how much of a b*tch I was. His brother reached out to me around this time to let me know how he spent around $1000 on a surprise trip to come see me and didnt board his plane. Which I dont know what would have happened if he did come.
He admitted when he tried dating another girl to move on from me (which didnt work) that he started taking anywhere from $40-60 worth of pills every day to try to numb the pain caused by him letting me walk out of his life. He took her on trips places even though she treated him terribly and even set his phone on fire once. I never got trips in our years of dating. Just broken objects, windows, and promises.
Just like all the other times I gave him advice and he chose not to listen, I warned him to stay away from this girl before he started trying to kind of date her. One part was jealousy, the other part was that I am judgemental and truly felt she wasnt good enough and was bad news. And while I know I was right which was solidified by his friends and family I knew he was just looking for companionship. She ended up getting murdered about half a year ago. And I know that must have been hard. I couldnt imagine spending so much time with someone and them dying that way.
I know I shouldnt feel guilty about leaving him and taking so much time… But I do. I started seeing a therapist this year to address my work life, and solo-mom life but he also came up as a topic. When I found out he died, I immediately scheduled a session and was advised that I had been holding out hope all this time that things would change. And my therapist was right. I couldnt even see it because I couldnt make him a priority anymore so I tried to be content without him. I couldnt be his friend because I truly wanted it all or nothing and couldnt go backwards. Everytime I tried to communicate with him there was always something completely insensitive that would come out of his mouth. And it would immediately take me back to all of the negative experiences I had with him.
I cant stop thinking about everything. The thoughts about him are constantly intruding my mind. I miss him and wish he would have ended up in the hospital instead. I would have been there. When I went to his home to see his family and friends, his mother found me outside and we immediately started bawling our eyes out together. And when I was alone with his brother we did the same. Except his brother said multiple times “I wasnt supposed to see you like this. I was supposed to see you at the altar.” “I wasnt supposed to see you like this I was supposed to see you on your wedding day with my brother.” Every single one of his friends knew he still deeply cared about me and how the girl he tried to rebound with wasnt someone he was in love with.
When I saw him bedroom, it was devastating to me. I could tell the person I loved had been struggling. There were too many medication bottles to count. There was so much clutter. And I noticed he was reading up on child mental health which could have been related to his job however, it was the main nursing study material I saw sitting out. Everything else was basically in stacks with books and folders and etc.
I sit here and have so many unanswered questions. I have so many things I thought could be different and things I wish could have been different. I feel like a widow and I know that I shouldn’t. We had many good times too and I let the bad times cloud them. I feel terrible for not being able to get over them but I realize that was because I wasnt over him.
Our relationship was complicated but our journey wasnt supposed to be over yet. I was still waiting and wanting the change so we could function together again. My heart is shattered and I know seeing him at his viewing was the last chance I ever got to physically see him and it kills me. The last time he ever saw me I told him it would be the last time he would see me years ago and I didnt mean it and yet it ended up being true.